Reading

Every year for one of his gifts, I do up a candy/chocolate bag for my younger brother. It costs me like $50 even buying most things at the Dollarama, but it's something I enjoy doing and something he seems to enjoy receiving. Well, this year I'm not doing one. Not for him to turn around and give it to his Secret Daughter that we're never allowed to meet (and technically aren't even supposed to know EXISTS), which I'm sure is what he does now that she's old enough for him to do so.

It's come out this year that he would really rather not even do Christmas or exchange gifts with us at all. He thinks it's just us trading money back-and-forth, which is IS FOR HIM because all he ever does are gift cards. The rest of us fucking hunt and search and spend time finding the perfect gifts for the people we love and it's not ABOUT the money. Meanwhile, he spends Christmas in TO with his secret family and spends a shit ton of money on them without even blinking an eye.

Except this year they're all going to fucking ENGLAND for Christmas, so there's that.

I just...

I miss my BROTHER. The one I used to be close with, who actually GAVE A SHIT about his family, not the one he's turned into. He's always on the verge of snapping at people, he gets angry and frustrated SO EASILY and he seems to have decided that Mom, Lee and I just aren't worth his time anymore--except for once a week when he gets Mom to take him out to do groceries and bring him here to do laundry, the fucking hypocrite.

And if he doesn't get his way he pitches a FIT. Mom just goes along with whatever he wants to avoid it, but if I was to pull that shit I would get kicked out of the house. It's fucking ridiculous, and I don't understand why she puts up with it. She's like "it's not worth arguing over" with my brother, but with me? If I PHRASE A SENTENCE WRONG SHE BLOWS UP AT ME. Literally last night I asked her "hey, what did you guys do with the cat food that was in the fridge?" because I couldn't find it, and she FREAKED OUT that I was being ACCUSATORY and RUDE and YELLED AT ME FOR IT before STOMPING OVER TO THE FRIDGE, FINDING THE CAT FOOD, AND SHOVING IT AT ME. Like. Fuck. Meanwhile my brother is scheduling Christmas to his liking without consulting anyone else and she's just like "it's cool."

I just don't understand what's happening to my family, and it's frustrating as all fuck. I want things to go back to the way things used to be. I wish my brother's kid's Moms had never decided to let him be a part of her life, which was the original plan. I wish Mom could let go of some of her rage toward me because it's making me feel fucking suicidal again.

I wish a lot of things.

A couple of weeks ago, Mom measured my mattress and ordered me a new one because my old one was so worn out that springs were actually STICKING OUT OF IT in places and it was like sleeping on a minefield. Anyway, the new one came in yesterday so I emptied out my entire room and we got it in place, and then I put everything back IN the room, just in a slightly different configuration than before. I had a little nap on it yesterday afternoon to test it out and it was fine, but LAST NIGHT OH MY GOD I haven't had such a good night's sleep in AGES. Normally, I wake up at 5am every day in absolute AGONY but last night I DIDN'T and just... GAH. The difference is night and day!!

On Monday I had a consultation with my Denturist again because ODSP fucking denied my claim because "not all missing teeth require dentures" which like, YES, I AGREE, but I am missing ALL OF MY UPPER MOLARS?? WTF?? Anyway, since then I've gotten onto CDCP and apparently they cover more than ODSP covers hence another appointment with the Denturist, so they can submit a care plan to CDCP and hopefully get me partial dentures so that I can, you know, CHEW FOOD AGAIN? Seriously, what the fuck ODSP. So, we're just waiting on CDCP to get back to the Denturist about that and I have my fingers crossed. Just. All of them.

I'm mostly done packing away (most of) my TKA stuff (plushie!Aidan and Tyler are staying out) and starting to work on replacing it with My Zombie stuff instead. Now that I have a new button designing/printing site (for now, anyway), I'm making MZ character buttons just like I did with TKA. The MZ cast is expanding a little, I just added Neila, Kelly, Blythe and Corbin to the mix, but to be honest it's mostly so I have people to kill off that aren't just Jazz. :P Not entirely sure what's in store for them quite yet, but they might all be meeting grizzly fates. (Except maybe for Kelly, I kind of like Kelly.)

I finished printing and collating Mom and Dad's copies of TKA for Christmas ($150 worth of ink alone, never mind the paper and the binders and the time), and I gave Mom's to her early thinking that she would want to read it right away but it turns out she's like 48% of the way through a 21 book series on her kindle and wants to finish it first. Whatever, I guess, I don't think either of them will particularly like TKA anyway, so it doesn't matter to me. And I asked Dad if he was coming up for Christmas because I CANNOT afford to ship his and Lois' gifts, and his response was literally "don't know"--just two words, not even a full sentence. Sometimes communicating with him can be frustrating.

Turns out at the very last minute Uncle Alec and Aunt Brenda decided they wanted to have Family Christmas after all, so on the 19th we're all getting together at their place for it. Clare probably won't come as usual. And we're not doing the gift exchange because everyone is too lazy to go out and get presents for it now, which sucks because it's like... 90% of the reason I even go anymore, especially with the way Grandma is and the strained relationship I currently have with Mom.

I just want things to go back to normal with my family, I want Mom and I to be best friends and my brother and I to be close like we used to be. But Mom resents me being in this house at this point, and my brother is completely wrapped up with his Secret Family in TO, it's like we don't matter at all anymore. He's probably going to try to get out of Christmas with us all together this year...

I dunno, this time of year especially, I miss the way things used to be.

Today I have some more ink coming from Amazon because I literally used up ALL my black ink doing the thing for Mom and Dad, and also a set of stainless steel measuring cups for Mom for Christmas. On the 18th I'm ordering more ink, Pluto food, some Frozen Christmas ornaments and a photo album for me to use as a scrapbook for MZ stuff, since I have one for TKA. Then on the 22nd, I have to order filters for the axolotl tank and more Frozen ornaments, and go do my end-of-the-month/last-minute-Christmas shopping. Fun times.

Aaaaaand now I have to go shove some BM Gold down Juna's gullet, which he HATES. Also fun times. /sarcasm.

Double Standards

Sleeping, Sleeping, Sleeping...